Merry Christmas and a Comfortable Bed

Last night I watched a movie that captured the struggles of an alcoholic so intensely, I found it difficult to breathe at times. The last time this happened to me was while watching “Leaving Las Vegas” with Nicolas Cage and Elisabeth Shue. “To Leslie” is the story of a woman who won the lottery and blew it all on alcohol and drugs while alienating everyone in her life, including her young son. This story took me back to my last year in active alcoholism and how death seemed the only way out.

There was a scene in the movie where the protagonist had run out of options for housing and made her way to the side of an old motel and spent the night on the cold ground with all of her possessions in her pink suitcase. This was so gut wrenching to me because I know what it’s like to be homeless.

Approaching Christmas Day, everything was suddenly brought back into perspective for me as I sat on my couch glued to the television. Fighting back tears, I thought about how I battled with self-pity regarding some medical issues and painful experiences over the last few months. I thought of several of my friends who are struggling. Some are having major financial setbacks, others are suffering from serious medical conditions, while others are facing the possibility of spending the holidays alone or in unhealthy relationships.

Whether I am sober or not, life is going to happen. There are going to be times when happiness is abundant and everything seems to go my way. On the other hand, there will be an equal amount of times where the cards aren’t in my favor. The important thing is for me to stay the course and continue those practices that have kept me grounded for decades now. Life isn’t picking on me. God isn’t picking on me. But it sure feels that way sometimes.

Nothing- absolutely nothing compares to the pain and humiliation of sleeping on the ground alone. Nothing compares to being in the grips of alcoholism knowing the drink will kill you and hoping it does, but continuing to wake up anyway. Nothing compares to looking in the mirror and hating the person staring back at you. Nothing compares to feeling abandoned by God and every human you ever counted on.

It’s funny how we never know when or how we will find gratitude and a new perspective. Watching “To Leslie” did that for me. At times my sober life has been almost perfect. At other times it has been almost unbearable, but it’s never been as lonely and insufferable as those dark days when I was drinking. It’s the same with my friends who are hurting during the holidays. One thing is for certain - it will pass. It WILL pass.

In the meantime, I will find gratitude daily, I will lift my friends up with kindness and support, I will show appreciation for the gifts I’ve received by passing my message of hope to others. Today I have enough.

No matter what, it’s enough.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a comfortable bed.