A DEAR JOHN LETTER TO 2020

Dear 2020,

I’m writing to let you know I just don’t think we are going to work out. For the first couple of months we were together it was really good. There were times I thought “this could be the one” and I looked forward to all of the exciting things to come. I was so hopeful early on and you treated me so well, but as we were together longer, I could tell things were taking a turn for the worse.

Being somewhat of a loner, I didn’t mind that you kept me isolated from people. We were able to spend a lot of time together. My favorite part was all of the hiking in the mountains. It was wonderful. I would hit the trails and think about all of the things you had promised me. There was my daughter’s wedding in April, a vacation in the summer, and quality time with both of my kids and their families.

It was good for a while, but as things deteriorated I became afraid to see my kids. There was that time I went and stayed the night with my son and his family. They had an appointment and I was going to spend the day with my grandson while they were gone. You reluctantly let me go, but we were uncomfortable. I had to keep my distance so you wouldn’t retaliate. Do you know how hard it was not to hug that little boy and sit next to him while he played? Then there were those visits they made up to the mountains. Our encounters were brief and, at times, they stayed in a separate cabin so we wouldn’t come in close contact with each other. It seems like a little thing, but to a mom and grandma, it’s heartbreaking.

Next, you knew I was planning my daughter’s wedding but you didn’t care. In fact, you didn’t even care when we had to cancel it - twice. We held our heads high and made the best of it because we had it easier than so many others did. It didn’t seem right to complain or protest.

Watching relationships fall apart, jobs disappear, animals being abandoned, and people going hungry just added to the agony and torment brought about by your cold heart and hurtful ways. My own personal family tragedies on top of this made me numb.

The last straw was when you started taking the lives of those I love. I wish I could’ve stopped it. I watched people lose their parents and go through the grief alone hanging on by a thread, all the time feeling helpless to do anything but reach out with a phone call or text. Then, I had close friends that took their own lives. The isolation and loneliness were just too much. It felt like I was on a runaway freight train that had no brakes. I can’t ever remember crying so much in my life. Reaching out to their parents and spouses offering prayers and love while they buried their loved ones without a service and formal good-bye was devastating.

You’re going to have to leave. I’m done. It’s over. Before you go, I have to say you have taught me a lot and I feel I’m a better person because of you. You showed me how much I need other people in my life. You taught me ways to stay connected even though I couldn’t do it in person. Having daily commitments to a support network and several weekly Zoom meetings have actually strengthened my relationships with others. Maybe it was desperation, maybe it was fear, maybe it was the familiar ghosts of days past nudging me to dig deeper than ever before to remain sane and relatively happy during the storm. Whatever it was, it worked and I thank you.

My dad used to always tell me I needed to learn to “go with the flow”. That was always hard for me, but I’ve found it much easier these days. The things I used to think were the big deals just don’t seem as important anymore. In fact, there’s not a lot of big deals to me now. I can remember many phone calls I’ve had with my daughter this year where we both had bad news to share. Most of the calls ended with us talking about acceptance instead of wallowing in self-pity and feeling attacked personally by the universe. Thank you for this lesson.

Another thing I learned is that I don’t have to join every argument I witness. I’ve watched people spew venom and hit below the belt when someone disagrees with a point of view. This helped me make the commitment to be kind. I can’t ever remember seeing someone change their mind or feel good after a verbal attack. I know I fall short at times, but you’ve really changed how I react when faced with these situations. And I thank you for this.

Finally, you brought me closer to my Higher Power. I’ve spent many days talking to God and even yelling at him demanding answers and relief. Also, I’m grateful for the pain. When things are always rosy, I don’t put forth the extra effort to strengthen my connection. Sure, I’m usually focused on the beauty of nature and the little blessings, but something about going through this terribly difficult time increased my faith tenfold. Because I was so isolated, I turned more to God. Often, I was angry at him but it didn’t matter. My words ultimately brought me nearer to him.

Again, thank you for all of the lessons but you will need to pack your shit and go. I will never forget you, but maybe with time, I can find a way to forgive you.

Carol Lind