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BEYOND BELIEF


I was adopted. As long as all members of my family liked me, I could stay in the home where I had lived since my birth. If, at any time, my parents or any one of my three brothers no longer liked or wanted me, they could take me back to where I came from - no questions asked. My brother sat me down and told me this when I was six years old. He was 14 at the time. It didn’t bother me that I was adopted. It devastated me that I was no longer secure in my family. My job from that point on was to be liked at any cost or to push people away so I wouldn’t get hurt later.


Soon after I was told this in confidence, I set out to verify its veracity without letting on that I already knew the truth.

A typical conversation with my mother went something like this:


Me: Mama, can I see my birth certificate?

Mama: Why would you want to see that, Carol Lind?

Me: I don’t know, I’m just curious.

Mama: I don’t even know where it is.

Me: Is it because you don’t have one?

Mama: Of course, I do. I just don’t know where it is.

Me: Will you look for it and show me?

Mama: Yes, I will.


Invariably, I would walk away knowing that she didn’t have one and just couldn’t find the words to tell me. Other times, I would close my bathroom door and lie down on the cold tile floor with my ear over the air conditioning vent so I could listen in on conversations between my parents and my brothers. Certain they would eventually discuss taking me back to my original home and how it could be accomplished without hurting my feelings, this ritual became a regular practice and obsession. I was convinced I didn’t belong.


Of course, this wasn’t the truth, and I wasn’t adopted but it was what I believed until I was able to see my birth certificate at 13-14 years old. Although I’ve laughed and joked about it over the years, it had a significant impact on how I reacted in all relationships. Nothing was permanent. That belief permeated every friendship, acquaintance, and venture I was involved in for decades.


Core beliefs are assumptions we make about ourselves, others, and the world around us. We accept them as true even when we have evidence to the contrary. We pay close attention to everything that can be used to support our beliefs while dismissing anything contradictory. Most of our beliefs are formed by the age of seven and shape our behaviors going forward into adulthood. They are core to our identity. It would be wonderful if someone told us the truth about our false beliefs and we were able to erase them on the spot. Others might have heard that as a child and never thought about it again, but I heard it every day for 45 years.


Many years ago, I was at a conference for therapists getting my continuing education credits to renew my counseling certificate. Being open-minded and receptive to new ideas has never been one of my strong points, but I opted to attend an experiential session focusing on breath work. Feeling very confident in my credentials and abilities, I plopped down on the first row ready to go. The presenter passed around a worksheet and asked us to write down our answers to the first question. It was a fill in the blank and read “I am __________________”. We were instructed to list as many things as possible. The instructor said to dig deep and be truthful and no one else would see the answers. OK, I can do this, no problem.


The first one was easy. “I am smart”. Surprisingly, that was as far as I could get without pause. Really? That’s all I could say about myself? I tapped my pencil on the table and I’m sure I rolled my eyes and thought the whole exercise was silly. Think, think, think. OK, “I am competitive”. Stuck again. What happened next was unexpected. A lump formed in my throat as I began to write things like “I am unlovable”, “I am fat”, “I am ugly”, “I am not wanted”, and so on. Here I was with over 20 years of sobriety and I knew I still had a lot of work to do. For a moment, I considered lecturing myself on what a shitty job I had done taking care of my mental health, but I didn’t.


Sometimes in our lives we have difficult moments that come right before a significant shift in our thinking and behavior. This was one of mine. I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life believing and perpetuating lies about myself. I wanted to know the truth and to do that, I had to do some work.


It was crucial to discover how negative beliefs about myself were interfering with my relationships and preventing me from reaching my full potential. I had to ask myself if I was willing to consider that those beliefs were wrong. Hell yes I was!


Over a decade later and a lot of hard work, those negative core beliefs are being challenged regularly. It would be a lie if I said they were erased completely. They aren’t. I’m a lot closer to where I want to be than where I was. Progress, right?


The truth is I am wanted, I am lovable, and I do belong. The evidence to support this heavily outweighs anything else. This knowledge helps me to be more loyal to myself. I no longer have to prove my value or worth to anyone. Many years ago, I listened as a lady shared her recovery story with a group. She said she had to do a little better than everyone else so that she could feel equal to them. Her words resonated with me at the time. Working to rewire my brain and get rid of negative beliefs about myself takes away the need for constant validation and acceptance from everyone in the universe. I can quit being a chameleon so everyone will like me.


Great resources are available to us when we are ready. A good therapist, mentor, or support group can open so many doors to growth and new possibilities. Becoming open-minded was the catalyst for change in my life. I had become stuck in a false set of beliefs which led to unhealthy and destructive patterns of behaviors which nearly destroyed my chances for freedom. Thank God it’s never too late to change!

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blt374
02 Μαρ 2021

Thanks CL. A lot of food for thought, even when you are 73 years old.

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Carol Lind
Carol Lind
02 Μαρ 2021
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Thanks for joining the website ! Glad you enjoyed it!

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