Lemonade

It was 1982 and I was newly sober. In and out of treatment for several years, I finally surrendered.

Staying sober long term takes more than a surrender- a lot more. One night, I was alone in my apartment and my thoughts began to turn to all the good times I had when I was getting high. It’s like there was a little voice in my brain that said “Carol Lind, it wasn’t that bad, you just had a streak of bad luck”, or “It was just a phase and you can control it now”. My dad used to call it the pleasure/pain principle. He used the example of a woman giving birth. In the middle of childbirth, most women will say they will never go through it again, but once they hold the baby and some time goes by, they forget how painful it was and focus only on the joy a child brings. That’s what happened to me on a particular night that year. I only remembered the peace of mind and contentment of the drink and drug and a certain relapse was on the horizon.

Having a moment of clarity certainly inspired by God, I picked up the phone and called my mentor, Lou. She was an older woman about the same age as my mom and tolerated my immaturity and fits of anger with grace and patience. On several occasions I pushed her to the brink of madness and that wasn’t easy! One time earlier that month, she walked up to me after listening to me rant and complain about everything in the world, and shouted “I have had it up to here with you” pointing to an invisible spot above her head. Nevertheless, I knew she loved me and wanted me to get better. It was about two in the morning when I reached for the phone to call and ask for help. I knew I would wake her up but I was desperate for relief.

The phone rang and rang but she finally answered in a soft and sleepy voice. Without a moment’s hesitation I began to purge all of the thoughts in my head into the receiver as I paced around my kitchen. I told her that I wanted to get high and I didn’t think I could make it through the night. After a long pause, she asked me if I had any lemons. Confused, I let her know that I did. She told me to get the lemons, cut them in half, squeeze the juice into glass, add sugar and ice, and stir. She told me to prepare a bubble bath and soak in the tub while drinking my lemonade. Then she hung up.

I stood in my dark kitchen and felt alone and scared. Lou’s instructions made no sense and had no obvious meaning or significance. In fact, it came across as condescending and ridiculous. On my first day of sobriety, however, I made a decision to follow directions. My way and my will had gotten me nowhere except a place of hopelessness and despair. What did I have to lose? For the next 30 minutes I carefully prepared my lemonade and carried it to the tub where I soaked and drank my beverage, which was quite delicious. After an hour or so, I climbed back in my bed and slept.

The next morning I was awakened by a phone call from Lou. “Good morning, Carol Lind. I have to ask you something. Please tell me you didn’t call me at 2:00AM having a hard time and I told you to make lemonade and sit in a tub?” “Yes”, I replied, “You did”. She then began to apologize saying she vaguely remembered the conversation and she must’ve been asleep and she never would’ve done that had she been awake. Then she asked me what I did after we hung up. Laughing, I told her I made the damn lemonade and sat in the tub. We talked for a while and told her I was actually better and felt like I could have a good day. And I did. The miracle in that experience for me was not what she told me to do - it was my willingness to do it.

For years, I had been living by my own design and my own selfish habits. When I became willing to follow instructions and get out of the driver’s seat, my life got better.

My mom used to tell me she could walk out onto a crowded sidewalk and pick anyone to run my life and they would do a better job than I was doing. How right she was! The lemonade wasn’t magic, the bubble bath wasn’t magic. Giving up my will and being willing to do it someone else’s way was the magic.

Sometimes it's hard to be willing when we don’t understand or don’t know the outcome. That’s when we have to have faith. Evidence proved my way wasn’t working and if I wanted a chance at a happy and productive life, I had to find the willingness to change and that had to start with following a simple set of instructions others had found successful. That’s exactly what I did and God did the rest. The funny thing is when I made that decision, it took a lot of pressure off of me. All I had to do was pick up the phone and follow through with the plan. It’s not always easy but it’s a hell of a lot easier than the life I left behind.

This blog is dedicated to Lou V.- a true southern belle who is now drinking lemonade and laughing with my mom in heaven.