The first time those words truly resonated with me was at a horse show with my daughter,
Sara. It was a beautiful winter day in south Florida and she was preparing to go into the show
ring on her talented, but difficult pony, Abe. She was having trouble concentrating because
she had let some overheard words about her from a trainer get under her skin. Her day had
been perfect until she heard those negative and hurtful comments. She lost the confidence her mount needed during the warm-up. As her confidence plummeted, so did Abe’s. He began to stop at the jumps and Sara became less self-assured and it just deteriorated before my eyes. Her trainer, Ron Danta, began to get frustrated because he knew Sara was a talented rider.
On the sideline, I couldn’t bear to see my daughter struggling and falling apart at this prestigious show. Thinking that everyone had been through enough, I was about to rescue her and call it a day. We could always try again the following week. At that moment, she stopped and went to her trainer and told him what she had heard and how hurtful it was. Ron, a handsome man about 6’7’’ with a voice that carries for miles, belted out “Rise Above it.”
I stopped in my tracks. I listened. (I always hung on every word he said). Again he said, “Rise Above It.” He didn’t coddle, he didn’t give her a break, and he didn’t let her quit. He said “Sara, there will always be people who try to bring you down. There will always be people that want you to doubt yourself. Those people are everywhere. So, if you quit, you will face them somewhere else. What you can do is “Rise Above It” and show them those words aren’t true.
How many times have we let the opinions of others bring us down? How often do we worry
about what others will think or say about us? Worse still, how often do we begin to believe
those things? For me, it has been too many to count. When we get into recovery from
addiction, we have a long road of rebuilding relationships and repairing damage that has taken years to create. It’s a difficult and painstaking effort. But it can be done. And when it is
complete, we are not the same people. If we are sincere about our path and stay on the road
to recovery, we never have to be that way again. But still, we can play those tapes that say
“I’m not good enough” or “I’m a bad person”. Some tapes sound even worse. Even with
many years in recovery, those old ideas and thoughts about ourselves can creep up and steal
our joy. One word or comment can shake us to our core.
How, then, do we “Rise Above It”? First, getting involved and staying grounded in a recovery
program such as AA or NA and working the steps outlined has been the foundation for millions of people. Even families have been able to overcome the devastating impact of addiction by joining a support group, such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Many people seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist to help them gain the tools necessary to live a meaningful and productive life. Most find it very helpful to have a close support group of friends that can be leaned on in difficult times.
It’s also important to know that we don’t always have to respond to negativity. I always
thought I had to defend myself if someone talked negatively about me. That only increases
the likelihood of escalating feelings and invites more criticism. This is easier said than done.
What if people believe what they say? What if others don’t like me? SO WHAT. I finally
realized if someone doesn’t like me based on gossip or peripheral knowledge, that is their
problem, not mine. As I’ve often read “Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness.” (12 Steps & 12 Traditions p. 67) So when someone is criticizing or gossiping, it is about them - not me. I can “Rise Above It’ by holding my head high and let my actions speak for me.
Finally, its alright to disagree with others and still be friends. How often do we let differing
views mushroom into an argument or a challenge to change someone’s point of view? For
what? So we can be right? As I have grown in recovery, it has become less important to be
right all of time. This trait is tied to several things including having to have my way and getting value and validation from “winning’. As we begin to mature spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, our self-worth isn’t dependent on having the last word. We can let differences roll off of our backs. I have found it helpful in these situations to let the person know that I will think about what they’ve said and that I appreciate them sharing their opinions with me. (Under my breath, I’m saying “Rise Above It”). In addition, it feels good to listen to others and be able to walk away without an argument. It gets easier with practice.
That day at the horse show changed the way I look at my relationship with others. Just
because someone says or thinks something, doesn’t make it true. I get to decide what is the
truth about my life. When I focus on the opinions of others, I take away from the activity that
needs my attention. That day, I saw firsthand how much power words can have, not only on
thoughts, but behaviors, too. In turn, I witnessed how it can impact everything around me.
Sara lost her confidence and, as a result, her pony lost his. If negativity can snowball and
have that ripple effect, couldn’t being positive do the same?
After that incident at the horseshow, Sara and Abe claimed the Horse of The Year Award with
Abe being the top pony in the country. If she had let the painful words of others dictate what
she was capable of doing, she might have quit that day. I’m grateful for Ron’s booming voice
because God knew I needed to hear those words probably more than Sara.
Loved this story and will remember your advice to “Rise Above It” when negativity wants to dominate the circumstances of life! What a great message for us all! I did share it with a friend whose daughter is struggling right now and pray it will positively impact her! Keep writing!
I am so glad you stated the blog. I have enjoyed the first two stories and look forward to many more. You look amazing and have not changed a bit in twenty years! Thanks to you and Lee Street I get to live a sober life and be there for my family that have had their struggles with addition as well. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I love you.
I’m so glad you enjoyed the blog!!
Wow! I really needed to read this today. Thank you so much. I look forward to following your blog.
What a life-changing lesson!! Amazing!