39 Years: Beyond My Wildest Dreams

Sitting down to write this blog was difficult and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and even in “sober” years, I’ve lived a long and rewarding life. Maybe it’s because it seems there are never the right words to express my gratitude for the gifts I’ve been given in sobriety. Most likely, it’s because I want someone still struggling with addiction to know what a sober life can be like and I feel a responsibility to give hope.

On June 28, 1982, I was hopeless. I was 21 years old and had been homeless for months. Finally scraping enough money together, I rented a room at the Stile’s Motel. Every town has the equivalent of this place. At the time it was run down, dirty, and weekly rates were very affordable for the down and out. After living in a tent for most of the winter I felt like I was at the Taj Mahal.

My family and most of my friends were gone. The loneliness and despair had become unbearable and I welcomed death by overdose or asphyxiation. My days were spent collecting and selling aluminum cans to get enough cash to buy cheap wine and cigarettes. My goal each day was oblivion. There was no joy left in my life and I knew the end was near. Turns out I was right. How dark it is before the dawn!

After passing out on Sunday, June 27th, I woke up with a massive hangover and knew this day would look the same as the days before. Suddenly, I thought, “I want to be sober”. Where did this thought come from? Certainly not from me. It came out of the blue and hit me like a ton of bricks. My window of grace had opened.

Spiritual teachings explain “grace” as an unearned or unmerited gift from God. It’s mercy. That morning I did nothing except wake up. I didn’t pray or call out for help, but I wanted to be sober. The desire felt strong and powerful. There had been times before when I tried to quit drinking. What was going to be different? My personal belief is that the window of grace is temporary. It’s a way that God gives me an out or shows me a new path for growth. The grace was given to me freely but it required simple action on my part. First, I reached out for help by calling someone and then I became willing to follow through with their suggestions - no matter what. That’s it. Don’t get me wrong - it was simple but it was hard as hell. Thank God I didn’t have to do it gracefully. In fact, there was a lot of kicking and screaming involved.

Let me share with you some of the amazing things that have happened as a result of doing those two simple things. Today I have a host of real friends that know me better than I know myself. They accept me as I am and have my back when needed. Both of my parents left this earth knowing I was sober. We were able to have a relationship that was powerful and meaningful. My children grew up in a sober home and had a mom that was dependable and available. They know it’s possible to go through life having fun without a chemical. Both of them know they can count on me to be there and to do what I say I will do.

Sobriety enabled me to get my bachelor’s degree and then go on to law school and earn my Juris Doctorate. Before I got sober I couldn’t even get to class or go withdraw to prevent getting a failing grade. Being sober gave me the freedom to choose and change careers several times.

My life used to be so small. It was a virtual prison of isolation and loneliness. Sobriety has given me the opportunity to travel and experience so much of this beautiful world. It has given me a sense of wonderment and excitement for new things. My life is big and keeps getting bigger every day.

The best thing about being sober is having the privilege to be a small part of someone else’s journey. Watching someone make a decision and follow it up with action is nothing short of a miracle and I’ve seen thousands. That’s better than a drink any day!

This journey flies by at lightning speed. So many people have held me up along the way and I am forever grateful for the friendships and love. Can’t wait to see what year 40 brings. God is Good. Always.